I often wonder when I see the results of these things on Facebook, if there is an option, and if there is, would it report it or not for people like me. Like the latest one “What kind of dog are you?” would I get:

Evil got Mangy, Flea Bitten, Nearly Rabid, Junkyard Dog.

You are the dog that can found inside double fences to keep people out. In fact you tend to keep them fairly back from the outer fence and the inner fence is for the poor bastard that has to feed you and even he doesn’t want to get that close. You love it when rats get inside the fence and you can eat them. Not because you can’t catch that occasional rabbit or cause there’s not enough dog food, you just like how the rat tastes. In short, you are a complete asshole.

Or “What kind of Mom are you?”:

Evil got Crack Whore.

You are the Mom who, if you got lucid for an hour or so, would sell your children to the highest bidder. You already sold the john who knocked you up. You’re sure that the migrant farmers who bought him are putting him to good use. The reason you’re not in prison is not that you’re street smart, but basically no cops really want to touch you.

Or “What kind of dessert are you?”:

Evil got Spotted Dick.

You might not be sweet or even appetizing but the “dick” part is spot on.

Or “How attractive are you?”:

Evil is -5% Attractive.

You are the kind of guy who can get in the inner fence with the junkyard dog and he’ll stay on the farthest corner because he’s afraid that whatever you have is worse than rabies. You probably like to buy the johns who don’t pay from the local pimp and resell them to migrant farm workers. The last time you got pulled over you told the cop to get back in his car and he did.

Or “Which Disney princess are you?”:

Evil got Snow-White’s Evil Stepmother Queen.

Evil Queen: “Mirror mirror upon the wall, tell me am I fairest of them all?”

Mirror: “Seriously?”

You live a life of leisure thanks to the contract with Lloyds of London that pays you to stay away from mirrored windows on the high rises downtown.

Or “What type of Kissing are you?”:

Evil got Manga Horror Kiss.

You are the poster child for banning manga from the Internet. Sadly for the rest of us, there seems to be no good way to ban actual people. We can only hope that you don’t end up in our cache.

E.W.

All right Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my quiz. Are you?