I often wonder when I see the results of these things on Facebook, if there is an option, and if there is, would it report it or not for people like me. Like the latest one “What kind of dog are you?” would I get:

Evil got Mangy, Flea Bitten, Nearly Rabid, Junkyard Dog.

You are the dog that can found inside double fences to keep people out. In fact you tend to keep them fairly back from the outer fence and the inner fence is for the poor bastard that has to feed you and even he doesn’t want to get that close. You love it when rats get inside the fence and you can eat them. Not because you can’t catch that occasional rabbit or cause there’s not enough dog food, you just like how the rat tastes. In short, you are a complete asshole.

Or “What kind of Mom are you?”:

Evil got Crack Whore.

You are the Mom who, if you got lucid for an hour or so, would sell your children to the highest bidder. You already sold the john who knocked you up. You’re sure that the migrant farmers who bought him are putting him to good use. The reason you’re not in prison is not that you’re street smart, but basically no cops really want to touch you.

Or “What kind of dessert are you?”:

Evil got Spotted Dick.

You might not be sweet or even appetizing but the “dick” part is spot on.

Or “How attractive are you?”:

Evil is -5% Attractive.

You are the kind of guy who can get in the inner fence with the junkyard dog and he’ll stay on the farthest corner because he’s afraid that whatever you have is worse than rabies. You probably like to buy the johns who don’t pay from the local pimp and resell them to migrant farm workers. The last time you got pulled over you told the cop to get back in his car and he did.

Or “Which Disney princess are you?”:

Evil got Snow-White’s Evil Stepmother Queen.

Evil Queen: “Mirror mirror upon the wall, tell me am I fairest of them all?”

Mirror: “Seriously?”

You live a life of leisure thanks to the contract with Lloyds of London that pays you to stay away from mirrored windows on the high rises downtown.

Or “What type of Kissing are you?”:

Evil got Manga Horror Kiss.

You are the poster child for banning manga from the Internet. Sadly for the rest of us, there seems to be no good way to ban actual people. We can only hope that you don’t end up in our cache.

E.W.

All right Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my quiz. Are you?

Ask most people what they want in a dream car and you’ll hear something like Ferrari or Lamborghini or Rolls Royce.  Some kids may mention monster trucks.  Here’s what I want.  I want this:

Mounted something like this:

With a joystick mounted close so I can aim and fire it.  No more traffic jams for me…  And for my redneck buddies out there who think this gun might not be big enough, take a look at the page where I found it: http://www.orsm.net/text/a10-thunderbolt.php.  Scroll to the bottom for an idea of how big it is.

E.W.

Oh and I think I need eye and ear protection.

I HATE FLASH.

I could live with Flash if people just used it for video. I still don’t like it, cause most of the time I’m connected to the Internet via a phone line. That means it’s impossible to watch a Flash video even if I want to, because you can ONLY stream it. And via a phone line you ain’t streaming anything. Sure, I suppose there are tools out there for ripping the stream, but so far there hasn’t been any video online that I want to see that bad. You are NOT the Martin Scorsese of the Internet.

However, that’s not all that Flash does. For some reason out there, particularly larger companies with too much money to spend for web “designers”, Flash is used for things like download links. Several years ago I sold a customer a valve. It’s a complicated bugger and now that customer wants me to do some maintenance on it. So I went to the manufacturer’s website to download the manual for that.

I did a search using their site’s search page (always amazed when that actually works…) and found the files I wanted, in pdf form, as I expected. Then I click the little “download” link. Nothing. No shocker there, I don’t like javascript either.

Here’s a clue for you web “designers” out there. I don’t want to run your software for you. Your stuff is running on a huge machine, mine’s a little machine. Plus, there are just too many guys out there with nothing but time on their hands working to run things on my machine so they can get things like my bank account numbers, access to my email and other generally bad things. Those people like it when the average guy lets anyone run stuff on their computer, like ActiveX. For me, I don’t need cutesy animations, I like text. Pictures when I need them. And I’ll take my video on the TV. That goes for cookies too. If you are just dying to track me, use your own hard drives like Google.

Ok so the link is javascript. Great, fine, I turned it on for you. Now when I click the “download” link I am greeted with a black page with a little text on it in the corner “Get Flash player.” Well, I suppose I got my text anyway. Now I’m irritated. I look at the source of the page, which I noticed was a redirect from the page I actually wanted. Yeah I saw that page pop up just before the black page. The source of the page was about three lines.

Now I can feel that my blood pressure meds weren’t prepared for this afternoon. So I do some deep searching with Google, since I can see the filenames of the actual files I want, none of which are flash.exe. So I got what I needed, without calling the phone number listed on the site under “Having trouble with downloading?” I’m pretty sure a chat with Bob (pronounced Boob) somewhere in India or Pakistan wouldn’t be at all good for my personal health right now.

So what have we learned? I hate Flash. Ok maybe you learned it, I already knew that. What I learned is that the next time I sell a preaction valve to someone it will be made by Tyco. Their website just works. In fact I may just allow their cookies next time I visit.

E. W.

I know none of this matters. I don’t have any illusions that I’m the William Shakespeare of the Internet.