The Design Guy and The Standard Coffee Maker Carafe

I have mentioned before the evil menace that is the unknown person I call The Design Guy. He is an especially evil madman who, by little tricks of broken design, is bent on slowly and methodically driving normal people (using myself as a benchmark of course) insane. Today I am going to talk about one of his evil designs: the standard coffee maker carafe.

What you say? You haven’t noticed anything wrong with the carafe? It is the hallmark of The Design Guy that he is insidious and subtle. Think about this for a minute, when you use one of those plastic tea pitchers you can pour liquid out of it at the rate of a gallon per second without spilling a drop. You could put out a fire with it and not spill any.

Try that with a coffee carafe. By the time you have your cup half full you’ll need to start another pot while you mop the floor. In fact, I can pee faster than I can pour coffee out of one of those. On a cool morning the coffee at the bottom of my cup has already gone icy by the time I get coffee to the top of the cup.

Here’s the thing, I don’t like coffee much. When I’m pouring coffee it is because I am:

A. Sleepy.

B. Cold.

C. In a hurry.

D. Need to crap.

E. Switching from type B to type A for the morning commute.

F. All of the above.

I am most definitely not having a sensuous, slow moment with the coffee. I’m not filming a remake of Nine and a Half Weeks or pretending to. If I want to do that, I’m probably not going to work and coffee breath is not exactly a good start for that anyway. No, I need my coffee to come out like a fire hose without dripping. And it’s the 21st century, I know we have the technology.

E.W.

I’m also beginning to suspect that the coffee dribble cup I have (which amazingly only dribbles when I’m wearing a non-black shirt) is the work of The Design Guy.

This Is Your Brain On Stupid – #3

The Shoe Incident

Um Momma…I have something to tell you…

Today at breakfast (at school no less), I was playing with my shoe and I put my finger in it like this…and then I couldn’t get it out. 

Momma…starts giggling.

I started crying and yelling for help. Some of the teachers came to help and NO one could get my finger out!

Momma…starts laughing.

Finally one of the teachers said let’s take the shoe off and see if we can cut it out of there. I was really scared they were going to cut my finger off.

Momma is now laughing hysterically.

When they got it off something happened and my finger ust came loose. I was so scared they were going to have to cut my finger off to get the shoe off!

Momma can no longer breath!

© 2012 Evil Wordsmith. Evilwordsmith.com. All Rights Reserved.

My New Favorite Christmas Song

Sung to the tune of Let It Snow:

Oh my stomach sure is upset
And the Tums just aren’t working
I really would like to fart
Let It Blow! Let It Blow! Let It Blow!

Update: Seems I got this wrong, the first part rhymed better per the Queen so it should be:

Oh my stomach sure is hurtin’
And the Tums  they aren’t a workin’
I really would like to fart
Let it Blow! Let it Blow! Let It Blow!

Where’s The Macy’s Day Parade?

NBC, CBS Where’s the parade? They’ve turned a national institution into nothing more than a variety show! Kids from around the country spend months preparing to march in the parade. People spend months preparing floats and learning to hold the balloons. But do we see any of that? No! It’s one big commercial for the net…work & Broadway shows. I HATE IT!  WHERE’S THE PARADE?!

I think it’s time to start a movement for TNT or better yet, TCM to show the parade like it used to be! The Classic Macy’s Day Parade, where you can see the bands, the floats and balloons as if you were actually there. Screw the dance numbers on the stage, the musicals on the roof tops! How is that a PARADE!

WE WANT THE REAL, LIVE PARADE BACK!

This Is Your Brain On Stupid — #2

This Is Your Brain On StupidThe Canoe Incident

The man child is out in the backyard working with Daddy to clean up and prepare the fire bowl for an evening of roasting marshmallows. When he suddenly notices the canoe filled to the brim with water.

Well we can’t just let that sit there like that now can we!? No of course no. We need to run and leap over it. At it’s widest point of course.

And so the second of the “Hey y’all watch this!” moments. He gathers himself up, takes off running, and leaps….. right into the water filled canoe.

Yep..that’s our Honor Roll Student!

© 2010 Evil Wordsmith. Evilwordsmith.com. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

More Personality Quizzes

Are you the Sun, Moon or Stars?:

Evil got Asteroid 2010RF3328.

You are a small ball of dirty ice. Calling you mud would be inaccurate, you just aren’t that warm. Your existence has been long, boring and pointless. You will, however, go out in a blaze of glory when you crash down and ruin the morning for thousands. You are pretty much the reason asteroid rhymes with hemorrhoid.

What is your sexual color?

Evil got Plaid.

You are a color who’s only use is to make school girl skirts for perverts like you.

Which horse breed are you?

Evil got Glue.

You are the horse who causes loan sharks to get up early and break the legs of gamblers. Flies won’t land on you because you smell too bad. The stable keeper’s boy quit because of what you did in the stall.

What army job are you?

Evil got Derelict:

At your best you are Sargent Rizzo. As a midlevel leader you are Major Burns. You’d be safer with your back to the enemy, since your own troops are the ones most likely to shoot you. As a general you are George Custer. The best way for the army to put you to good use would be as ablative armor for a tank.

What era are you from?

Evil got B.C.:

The difference between you and a caveman is only language and mathematics. And that only makes you far more dangerous with a club.

What drink are you?

Evil got Mad Dog 20/20:

Yes, your best friends like to hang out in alleys and kick back on their sofas… er ok, pallets and watch the show. The show doesn’t have a name, but if it did they would call it “Say Yes to the Hooker.”

How girly are you?

Evil got Teamster:

Yes, you are girly in the sense that, technically, that girl you saw working the loading dock is physiologically a girl. You know, the one who flipped the fork lift over cause the idiot driver ran over her toes?

Which True Blood character are you?

Evil got “500 Server Error”:

There isn’t a character on that show nearly bad enough to match you. You make Russell seem likeable even when he’s holding someone’s spine. Sorry.

E.W.

I thought about using Buck Henry’s famous quote from Saturday Night Live about puppies for my secret passion, but there are too many dog lovers with big ass killer dogs around here for that and I don’t want to end up like Micheal Vick…

 

Freight Train

Counting The Cars

There’s nothing like counting cars on a freight train. I remember as little kids we always counted the cars on trains and anticipated seeing the caboose. Most trains do without the caboose now days. But it’s still fun to count the cars.

CSX

CSX 5380

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Week 3 – 2010 NFL Picks – Spring & The Prince’s Picks

Week 3 is here and we’re late making our picks. But here’s hoping our teams, The Redskins and the Eagles don’t let us down this week.

Week 3
SUN, SEP 26 Spring’s Picks
The Prince’s Picks
Tennessee at NY Giants NY Giants NY Giants
Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay Tampa Bay Tampa Bay
Cincinnati at Carolina Cincinnati Carolina
Cleveland at Baltimore Baltimore Baltimore
Dallas at Houston Houston Houston
San Francisco at Kansas City Kansas City Kansas City
Detroit at Minnesota Minnesota Detroit
Buffalo at New England New England New England
Atlanta at New Orleans New Orleans New Orleans
Washington at St. Louis Washington St. Louis
Philadelphia at Jacksonville Philadelphia Philadelphia
Oakland at Arizona Oakland Arizona
San Diego at Seattle Seattle Seattle
Indianapolis at Denver Indianapolis Indianapolis
NY Jets at Miami Miami Miami
MON, SEP 27
Green Bay at Chicago Green Bay Chicago
This entry was posted on September 25, 2010, in Sports - NFL.

Week 2 – 2010 NFL Picks – Spring & The Prince’s Results

Not a bad second week. Of course my Redskins just laid down and gave their giant lead away to Houston. It was very disappointing, but the defense did not come out in the second half and stand up to Houston’s offense. Watching the Mannings competing against each other was not only interesting, but it was an exciting game as well. I’m secretly glad Peyton won. Eli has a long career ahead of him, he has plenty of time to make up for his brotherly loss. So here’s the final results for week 2 for the Prince and I.

Week 2
SUN, SEP 19 Spring’s Picks
Spring’s Results
The Prince’s Picks
The Prince’s Results
Game Results
Pittsburgh at Tennessee Tennessee L Tennessee L 19 – 11
Miami at Minnesota Minnesota L Miami W 14 – 10
Arizona at Atlanta Atlanta W Atlanta W 7 – 41
Baltimore at Cincinnati Baltimore L Baltimore L 10 – 15
Kansas City at Cleveland Kansas City W Kansas City W 16 – 14
Chicago at Dallas Dallas L Dallas L 27 – 20
Philadelphia at Detroit Philadelphia W Philadelphia W 35 – 32
Buffalo at Green Bay Green Bay W Buffalo L 7 – 34
Tampa Bay at Carolina Tampa Bay W Carolina L 20 – 7
Seattle at Denver Denver W Seattle L 14 – 31
St. Louis at Oakland Oakland W St. Louis L 14 – 16
Houston at Washington Washington L Washington L 30 – 27 OT
New England at NY Jets New England L New England L 14 – 28
Jacksonville at San Diego Jacksonville L San Diego W 13 – 38
NY Giants at Indianapolis Indianapolis W Indianapolis W 14 – 38
MON, SEP 20 .
New Orleans at San Francisco New Orleans W New Orleans W 25 – 22

Results: W = 9 / L = 7   of 16

Season: W = 19 / L = 13  of 32

Results: W – 7 / L – 9   of 16

Season: W = 13/ L = 19  of 32

This entry was posted on September 22, 2010, in Sports - NFL.

Week 2 – 2010 NFL Picks – Spring & The Prince’s Picks

Time for Week 2 already? Where did the week go?
No big insights this week. I picked Philly over Detroit primarily because Vick is starting and I think he gives the team a major boost in performance. I’m counting on my Titans to win again at home. And finally, I’m not sure people understand how much of a confidence builder the Redskins get after beating their biggest rival the Cowboys. The rivalry between the Skins and the Cowboys never diminished within the hearts and minds of the fans. It may have waxed and waned amongst the team and the NFL over all, but it never faded for fans. As indicated by the intensity and electricity of the Skin’s stadium last week. That emotional high should carry over to this week as Washington takes on Houston.

Once again keep in mind the Prince makes his pick based on which team is the animal, or which animal will beat the other animal. It’s interesting how he perceives animal strength, it’s not just brawn that wins the day. He seems to think if you’re a bird, you are invincible. 😉

So here are our picks for the week.

Week 2
SUN, SEP 19 Spring’s Picks
The Prince’s Picks
Pittsburgh at Tennessee Tennessee Tennessee
Miami at Minnesota Minnesota Miami
Arizona at Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta
Baltimore at Cincinnati Baltimore Baltimore
Kansas City at Cleveland Kansas City Kansas City
Chicago at Dallas Dallas Dallas
Philadelphia at Detroit Philadelphia Philadelphia
Buffalo at Green Bay Green Bay Buffalo
Tampa Bay at Carolina Tampa Bay Carolina
Seattle at Denver Denver Seattle
St. Louis at Oakland Oakland St. Louis
Houston at Washington Washington Washington
New England at NY Jets New England New England
Jacksonville at San Diego Jacksonville San Diego
NY Giants at Indianapolis Indianapolis Indianapolis
MON, SEP 20 .
New Orleans at San Francisco New Orleans New Orleans
This entry was posted on September 18, 2010, in Sports - NFL.