Evil’s Football Picks & Bets

First rule of loser club: Don’t talk about loser club. So let’s break that rule by pointing out that I got 6 games last week. And over all gambling: down 480%. Even on bets I would have taken, where I essentially broke even, I’m down 20%. I haven’t finished running this weeks sims as I write this. I can’t wait to see if the computer still has faith in Jacksonville recalling that they are, in fact, still a NFL team.

And even if the computer predicts a 15-1 season for New England, I can guarantee you that it won’t happen. Here’s why: NO team who got beat by Cincinnati EVER managed to beat all the other teams they faced. I said that New England would roll over them like a Zamboni on ice. Well they did and proceeded to skid out of control, crash through the catch fence, hit Juan Pablo Montoya, burst into flame and when they came to a stop, Tony Stewart threw a helmet at them.

I did correctly predict that Dallas would cover the spread. They didn’t do it by beating them but I’m okay with that, I’m not a Dallas fan. I called an under bet on that game which failed because it is clear that neither team brought a defensive squad.

The only game I nailed last week was Detroit and Green Bay. How is it that Detroit can smoke Chicago and then do almost nothing against Green Bay? You boys need a new coach there in Detroit. I would like to be a coach in Detroit, cause for that salary I could buy my own group of blocks in downtown, fence it off and turn it into a gated community of skyscrapers. I would call it Fort Detroit.

Back to my true failures category, we already discussed New England. Then there were the Giants. I guess it fits, in the documentary, Lord of the Rings, the eagles there bested quite a few giants. They did it again in New York.

The Carolina game proves my point about bye weeks. They are bad for your team. If I was a coach, the only way you’d sit out practice on bye week would be with a doctor’s note. And I would make sure the team doc knows who he works for. Bye week for my team would be something that the boogey man is terrified of. Players on my team would be writing the commissioner to see if the team could opt out of bye week. You would hear things like, “Uh… where did the coach get a flame thrower?” and “The same place he got the claymores he mounted on the tackling dummies.”

The only thing my team would hate worse than bye week would be the week before playing in Green Bay which would involve twelve hour practice days in the blast freezer of my buddy’s place. You know him as our local meat packer. Even if there is a blizzard and they have to take numerous time outs to dig out the machine to clear the snow off the field and everybody in the stands are trying desperately to thaw their hot coffee so they don’t chip a tooth on it, my team will be there glad that at least it’s warm out.

There’s one good bet this week. The computer still thinks that Jacksonville will wake up. Even a broken clock is right twice a day right? They will cover the 27 point spread.

My take:

Vegas this week:

E.W.

I blame everything that I got wrong last week on the admission of the CIA that Area 51 exists. Clearly they have their alien bad gambling beam focused right on me.

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