Are you the Sun, Moon or Stars?:

Evil got Asteroid 2010RF3328.

You are a small ball of dirty ice. Calling you mud would be inaccurate, you just aren’t that warm. Your existence has been long, boring and pointless. You will, however, go out in a blaze of glory when you crash down and ruin the morning for thousands. You are pretty much the reason asteroid rhymes with hemorrhoid.

What is your sexual color?

Evil got Plaid.

You are a color who’s only use is to make school girl skirts for perverts like you.

Which horse breed are you?

Evil got Glue.

You are the horse who causes loan sharks to get up early and break the legs of gamblers. Flies won’t land on you because you smell too bad. The stable keeper’s boy quit because of what you did in the stall.

What army job are you?

Evil got Derelict:

At your best you are Sargent Rizzo. As a midlevel leader you are Major Burns. You’d be safer with your back to the enemy, since your own troops are the ones most likely to shoot you. As a general you are George Custer. The best way for the army to put you to good use would be as ablative armor for a tank.

What era are you from?

Evil got B.C.:

The difference between you and a caveman is only language and mathematics. And that only makes you far more dangerous with a club.

What drink are you?

Evil got Mad Dog 20/20:

Yes, your best friends like to hang out in alleys and kick back on their sofas… er ok, pallets and watch the show. The show doesn’t have a name, but if it did they would call it “Say Yes to the Hooker.”

How girly are you?

Evil got Teamster:

Yes, you are girly in the sense that, technically, that girl you saw working the loading dock is physiologically a girl. You know, the one who flipped the fork lift over cause the idiot driver ran over her toes?

Which True Blood character are you?

Evil got “500 Server Error”:

There isn’t a character on that show nearly bad enough to match you. You make Russell seem likeable even when he’s holding someone’s spine. Sorry.

E.W.

I thought about using Buck Henry’s famous quote from Saturday Night Live about puppies for my secret passion, but there are too many dog lovers with big ass killer dogs around here for that and I don’t want to end up like Micheal Vick…

 

I often wonder when I see the results of these things on Facebook, if there is an option, and if there is, would it report it or not for people like me. Like the latest one “What kind of dog are you?” would I get:

Evil got Mangy, Flea Bitten, Nearly Rabid, Junkyard Dog.

You are the dog that can found inside double fences to keep people out. In fact you tend to keep them fairly back from the outer fence and the inner fence is for the poor bastard that has to feed you and even he doesn’t want to get that close. You love it when rats get inside the fence and you can eat them. Not because you can’t catch that occasional rabbit or cause there’s not enough dog food, you just like how the rat tastes. In short, you are a complete asshole.

Or “What kind of Mom are you?”:

Evil got Crack Whore.

You are the Mom who, if you got lucid for an hour or so, would sell your children to the highest bidder. You already sold the john who knocked you up. You’re sure that the migrant farmers who bought him are putting him to good use. The reason you’re not in prison is not that you’re street smart, but basically no cops really want to touch you.

Or “What kind of dessert are you?”:

Evil got Spotted Dick.

You might not be sweet or even appetizing but the “dick” part is spot on.

Or “How attractive are you?”:

Evil is -5% Attractive.

You are the kind of guy who can get in the inner fence with the junkyard dog and he’ll stay on the farthest corner because he’s afraid that whatever you have is worse than rabies. You probably like to buy the johns who don’t pay from the local pimp and resell them to migrant farm workers. The last time you got pulled over you told the cop to get back in his car and he did.

Or “Which Disney princess are you?”:

Evil got Snow-White’s Evil Stepmother Queen.

Evil Queen: “Mirror mirror upon the wall, tell me am I fairest of them all?”

Mirror: “Seriously?”

You live a life of leisure thanks to the contract with Lloyds of London that pays you to stay away from mirrored windows on the high rises downtown.

Or “What type of Kissing are you?”:

Evil got Manga Horror Kiss.

You are the poster child for banning manga from the Internet. Sadly for the rest of us, there seems to be no good way to ban actual people. We can only hope that you don’t end up in our cache.

E.W.

All right Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my quiz. Are you?

 

Ask most people what they want in a dream car and you’ll hear something like Ferrari or Lamborghini or Rolls Royce.  Some kids may mention monster trucks.  Here’s what I want.  I want this:

Mounted something like this:

With a joystick mounted close so I can aim and fire it.  No more traffic jams for me…  And for my redneck buddies out there who think this gun might not be big enough, take a look at the page where I found it: http://www.orsm.net/text/a10-thunderbolt.php.  Scroll to the bottom for an idea of how big it is.

E.W.

Oh and I think I need eye and ear protection.

I HATE FLASH.

I could live with Flash if people just used it for video. I still don’t like it, cause most of the time I’m connected to the Internet via a phone line. That means it’s impossible to watch a Flash video even if I want to, because you can ONLY stream it. And via a phone line you ain’t streaming anything. Sure, I suppose there are tools out there for ripping the stream, but so far there hasn’t been any video online that I want to see that bad. You are NOT the Martin Scorsese of the Internet.

However, that’s not all that Flash does. For some reason out there, particularly larger companies with too much money to spend for web “designers”, Flash is used for things like download links. Several years ago I sold a customer a valve. It’s a complicated bugger and now that customer wants me to do some maintenance on it. So I went to the manufacturer’s website to download the manual for that.

I did a search using their site’s search page (always amazed when that actually works…) and found the files I wanted, in pdf form, as I expected. Then I click the little “download” link. Nothing. No shocker there, I don’t like javascript either.

Here’s a clue for you web “designers” out there. I don’t want to run your software for you. Your stuff is running on a huge machine, mine’s a little machine. Plus, there are just too many guys out there with nothing but time on their hands working to run things on my machine so they can get things like my bank account numbers, access to my email and other generally bad things. Those people like it when the average guy lets anyone run stuff on their computer, like ActiveX. For me, I don’t need cutesy animations, I like text. Pictures when I need them. And I’ll take my video on the TV. That goes for cookies too. If you are just dying to track me, use your own hard drives like Google.

Ok so the link is javascript. Great, fine, I turned it on for you. Now when I click the “download” link I am greeted with a black page with a little text on it in the corner “Get Flash player.” Well, I suppose I got my text anyway. Now I’m irritated. I look at the source of the page, which I noticed was a redirect from the page I actually wanted. Yeah I saw that page pop up just before the black page. The source of the page was about three lines.

Now I can feel that my blood pressure meds weren’t prepared for this afternoon. So I do some deep searching with Google, since I can see the filenames of the actual files I want, none of which are flash.exe. So I got what I needed, without calling the phone number listed on the site under “Having trouble with downloading?” I’m pretty sure a chat with Bob (pronounced Boob) somewhere in India or Pakistan wouldn’t be at all good for my personal health right now.

So what have we learned? I hate Flash. Ok maybe you learned it, I already knew that. What I learned is that the next time I sell a preaction valve to someone it will be made by Tyco. Their website just works. In fact I may just allow their cookies next time I visit.

E. W.

I know none of this matters. I don’t have any illusions that I’m the William Shakespeare of the Internet.

One of my hobbies is baking breads.  I started doing this many years ago.  When I started some of my breads were only edible by outdoor creatures but I got better pretty quick.  Most people seemed to like my breads and I know I did.  Then one day I went to a restaurant called Razoo’s where, with my crawfish et tu fe, I had a drop biscuit exactly like the ones I make homemade.  Well… not exactly, their biscuit was MUCH more fluffy than mine.  I was annoyed.

I started experimenting and quickly discovered that adding more milk acheived the fluffyness that their biscuits had.  After that, I started upping the liquid in all of my recipes, which improved them nicely.

A few years ago I met the Queen’s Aunt Mildred and Uncle Leonard.  Absolutely wonderful people, I sat in their kitchen and talked to Leonard for hours and honestly I didn’t want to leave when we had to go.  At the time, the Prince was in diapers and had just learned to do things like climb down out of the truck.  It was obvious when Mildred got around him that she was one of those natural great moms.  I think they had eight kids, so maybe practice made perfect.

Sadly, that one meeting of Aunt Mildred was all I’ll get in this life, she passed a short time back.

Now many years ago one of my Grandfathers passed away and unfortunately took his barbecue slaw recipe to the grave.  Sometimes I wonder if he did that on purpose…  Since then my cousin has been trying to replicate it and appears to be very close, although we both agree that something isn’t the same with it.  He’s still working on it, we will find what’s missing.

Talking about this with the Queen prompted her to start looking at favorite recipes from our elders.  One of those recipes was for plain white bread from Aunt Mildred.  She gave me that recipe to make for her and insisted that I follow it exactly, which meant using shortening instead of butter.  Now, there’s nothing really unusual about this recipe, all bread recipes are pretty much the same.  However, when I made this, it was obvious that something was different.  When the dough was finished and ready for kneading, it was VERY light compared to all of my other doughs.  The finished product was also VERY fluffy.

I don’t care for the taste of shortening in bread, perhaps because of my three years of being Spongebob at KFC.  But I wanted to know if that was what accounted for the texture of Aunt Mildred’s bread.  So I started experimenting, first by replacing shortening with butter in her recipe.  It made no difference in the texture at all, still just as fluffy.  (And despite the Queen, it tasted better…)

The only other difference I could see was using water vs. milk.  Changing those around really made no difference at all.  So I was puzzled.  Then it occurred to me that one step was different, and it was just technique, nothing in the mix, just how you mix it.  I guess in the recipes I first used, mixing the dry yeast in the flour and pouring the liquid into that to make the dough was a time saving step.  But in Aunt Mildred’s bread, she puts the yeast into the warm liquid first and lets it grow for twenty minutes.

Since I’m kinda dumb, I didn’t really believe that the order of mixing the yeast would make a difference.  So up until last night, I never tested this on my other recipes.  Last night I made my usual Parker House rolls for dinner today.  But this time, I changed the technique.  The difference is stunning.

Thank you Aunt Mildred.

E.W.

I think that Uncle Leonard must be the only man on earth luckier than me.

I remember way back in broadcasting that the worst thing that could happen was “dead air”, meaning you’re transmitting silence.  Yesterday however, Nick decided that they would have hours of planned dead air.  Apparently some idiot figured if kids watching TV on Saturday suddenly couldn’t find their cartoon they  would go outside and play instead of what they really did… change the fricken channel.

The thing that annoys me about this is that I don’t need help, especially from TV networks, rearing my child.  He’s thin, energetic, reads, writes and understands math far beyond his grade level.  If he is watching TV it is because I’m allowing it, just like when he’s playing tag on the playground.

There was upside to this, the alternative to Nick was something called Moment of Impact.  The kid watched the world record hockey fight and came up with a new sport.  “Daddy! Someone should make a game called Ice Wrestling!”  I told him that’s what I thought hockey was.

E.W.

Great timing for Nick on this “go out and play day”, from the weather radar it looked pretty much like it was raining on the entire eastern half of the US.  That is the Thunder Beings smiting you, let’s hope the advertisers follow suit.

He cracks me up. And that’s one of the biggest things I love about him.

Let me preface this by saying SirEvil was born and raised in Charlotte NC. As such he does indeed have a very southern accent. Being from the south, he is also a self admitted Redneck. These things are important to know when considering his comments.

“I know I found the right wife. Asked her where she wanted to go for her 5th anniversary and she said “The BassPro Shop” resturant.  …Yes!… Dinner and fishin’ rods, my kinda anniversary.”

“My wife is the perfect woman. She loves Nascar, really likes Football, would rather watch hockey than a cooking show and she “gets” Quintin Tarentino.”
Me: ..not to mention I hate sappy date movies…I hate when a movie makes me cry..give me Riddick, Ronin, Star Trek, Serinity or even Dr. Who any day!

Me: “I really like Richard Quest from CNN. He’s funny, his humor reminds me of you.”
If you don’t know Richard Quest he is a British Reporter on CNN.
SirEvil: “He’s loud like rednecks… only he’s like one with a speech impediment”

One night going out to dinner I wore a reversible skirt. Solid green on one side, same green but with flowers on the other. I asked him, which side do you like best?
SirEvil: “Ok there’s just no right answer to that. I like the side you like.”

One day online someone asked me to describe SirEvil..my response:
“When you look at him from behind, he has this gorgeous ‘V’ shaped body. Big shoulders, strong arms and the cutest butt. He turns sideways and the first word that comes to your mind is:  Budwieser.”
(I can be funny too.)

© 2012 Evil Wordsmith. Evilwordsmith.com. All Rights Reserved.

They Don’t Know Much!

I like my doctor, however, I hate doctors and the entire medical industry in general. I have to be monumentally sick to go see one. This past couple weeks my reason for this hatred crystallized.

A month ago on a business trip, I got sick. Extremely sick. With aspirin, my fever was hitting 103.8. After three days at my cousin’s house, I took an overdose of Theraflu and used the three hour buzz time to try to make the five hour drive home. That was on Good Friday. I don’t get why they call it that, maybe my information is lacking, but isn’t that the day they beat the snot out of Jesus and nailed him to a tree. I bet his opinion of that day is close to what mine was.

I went to my doctor on Monday and she did what all doctors do in this case, prescribed antibiotics. In my case I think that the illness was, in fact, bacterial as the antibiotics made a very rapid change in me. Now I know, if it had been a virus, that the antibiotic is useless, and I know that the point of prescribing it is to keep me from developing pneumonia or strep. In my case, considering how my palms and feet are still peeling, I actually did have strep, but there was no testing for that. Continue reading →

If you've lived in the south, or ever spent any time there (especially if you're the male of the species...) you've probably heard the phrase, “Hey y'all, watch this!” What this means, for those of you who don't know, is that now would be a good time to get your camera phone or any other recording device because whoever uttered this is about to die or very nearly die in a spectacular manner. And if they don't die, the video will probably make you some money on America's Funniest Home Videos.

Well... as it turns out I have discovered that there is an exact translation for this phrase in D.C. I was reading an article on BBC, which was titled the same as this article: US banks 'safe from insolvency'. It's as if Timothy Geithner missed all of the last quarter of 2008.

I certainly hope that this is one of those rare instances that the guy who said, “Hey y'all, watch this!” actually pulls off the stunt flawlessly. Yeah, it means the video will be worthless, but since we're all riding in the car Geithner is driving, we'll be happier if the stunt just works.

 E.W.

 Come to think of it... if you're in a car and the driver says this, forget the camera till you've had time to jump out of the car.